she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
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