haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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