Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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