I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
