Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
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