best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
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