My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
