1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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