420 ftw
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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