if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
