Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
