Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
