I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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