I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
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