I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Randomize
