he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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