At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
