Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Randomize
