So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Randomize
