i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
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