I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
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