Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Randomize
