Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
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