People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
