That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
