My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
