she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
