Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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