Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
