so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Randomize
