what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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