theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Randomize
