Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
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