this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
