I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize