How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
