Your tits are I can't wait for
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
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