The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
