I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
