Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
