Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Randomize
