the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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