I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
Randomize
