I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
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