tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Randomize
