I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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