i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
sex in a hospital.. check
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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