I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Randomize
