My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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