seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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