I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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