I need help removing her.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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