I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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