I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Randomize
