I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
There's always time for handjobs
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
