Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
