Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
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