I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
