I can text with my tongue
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Randomize
