hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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