Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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