Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
this will be a night to untag.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
